The Coven 3DO
The Coven 3DO review
Prologue: The Mid 90’s – a time before DVD
We’re about to time-travel to a prehistoric era, a land before cat videos and instant ramen. I’m talking about the mid-90s. Imagine a world where the internet was something your weird uncle talked about, DVDs were science fiction and not available until 1995, and your computer was that huge beige brick in the school library that took 20 mins to boot up.
CD-ROM a brave new world ready for exploitation
Now, picture this: the adult film industry, those pioneers of “innovation,” gazing upon the newly discovered brave new world of CD-ROM technology. They saw potential! Gigabytes! Whole hours of video! Forget those grainy VHS tapes at your local Blockbuster, where the “adult section” was basically a dimly lit corner at the back. This was the future!
“The Coven”: A Masterclass in Digital Underachievement
Enter “The Coven,” a pathetic excuse for an interactive game for the 3DO released in 1994 . This ‘interactive’ movie was developed by Vivid Interactive, the artistic geniuses behind such classics as Love Bites, Immortal Desire, Super Models go Wild and Blonde Justice. However The Coven has in fact virtually zero interactivity. It’s more like a choose-your-own-adventure slideshow, only these adventures are, shall we say, anatomically orientated.
Interactive? More Like “Press Play and laugh out loud”
You get three “chapters,” which are loosely connected. The interactive gameplay part? You can fast-forward, pause, and rewind. Ground-breaking! It’s like controlling a VCR, but more pixelated… now to the plot.
A Plot Thinner Than a Cracker at a Weight Watchers’ Meeting
The “story,” if you can call it that, is wafer thin. You’d need to pause it frame-by-frame and have a PhD in interpretive dance to decipher exactly what’s going on. But hey, in 1994, this was no doubt something exciting. It was like watching a moving picture show, but with more… enthusiastic acting. Also the video effects look like they could have been generated using the 3DO Digital Dreamware game.
Epilogue: A Cautionary Tale (And a Bit of a Laugh)
So, if you’re looking for a historical artifact that proves how far we’ve come, or just want to laugh at the creative equivalent of a cave painting, “The Coven” is your ticket to a hilariously awkward blast from the past.
The Coven plot
Chapter 1: “Roommate Wanted (Must Be Cool With Spells and Occasional Naked Broom Dancing)”
Beach Bum Witch Gets an Apartment:
A lady who we later discover is a witch queen, strolls onto a beach, channelling her inner sea witch, and decides apartment living is her next gig.
Voiceover: “When the moon’s full, let’s have a secret witchy party! I’m the queen, by the way.” (very subtle)
Instant Roommate, Just Add Witchcraft:
Our witch waltzes up to a random apartment and rings the door and bam! She has become an instant roommate. “Oh, you just broke up? Perfect timing for my evil plan!”
Normal people: “I’ll need references and a security deposit.” Witches: “Don’t worry about any of that rubbish -I’ll just move in now!”
Grab your broom and lets rock ! :
Cue a montage of half-naked witch dances.. for quite a while.
One witch is having lots of fun pretending to fly on a long broomstick in front of a green screen.
From Naked Dancing to Breakfast in Bed (Sort Of):
Seamless transition alert! We go from witchy sexy dancing to…bacon and eggs cooking. Classic scene transition.
The apartment owner is cooking for her boyfriend, but her brain is being hijacked by witchy interferences.
Nipple Nibbling and Roof-Top Rage:
Boyfriend makes a move on her, but she throws him off like a hot potato.
“It’s not you, it’s the witch in my head!”
Roof-top yelling, flying backpacks, and a glimpse of “guy butt.”
Chapter 2: “Coven Initiation: Where the Oath is Weird and the Sex is Weirder”
Dumped and Confused: The Boyfriend’s Exit:
Boyfriend picks up his stuff and walks away, probably wondering if he accidentally wandered into a cult meeting.
“Bless this house, and also, here is a bunch of naked people by a fire.”
The Sacred Oath: A Masterclass in Erotic Mysticism:
Voiceover recites an oath that sounds like it was written by a horny druid.
“Blessed be thy breasts…” Seriously?
Boyfriend is now a man-servant. Poor guy.
Lesbian Lovers and sad goodbyes:
Witch Queen and apartment owner are now an item. Surprise!
Boyfriend returns, sees the “sexual objects,” and realizes he’s been replaced.
“Here are my keys, I am going to go now and question my life choices.”
Roof-Top Excitement: 3DO’s Boldest Moment:
Sexual activity on the roof. Apparently, this is probably the most sexual scene you’ll find for 3DO Vivid produced games.
Apartment owner is now fully inducted into the coven.
Chapter 3: “The Witchy Rehash: Because We Ran Out of Ideas”
Coven Party: The Extended Edition:
More witchy rituals, more naked dancing, more men standing around looking confused.
“Sexuality is their strongest spell.” Yes, we got that the first 50 times.
The Unspectacular Ending: A Whimper, Not a Bang:
More rehashed clips, the music fades, and…that’s it?
“Well, I guess it’s all over. You just wasted 30 mins of your life.
